im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
