no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
This show inspires me to have sex in space
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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