When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
