I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
smell my finger.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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