I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
