there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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