Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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