god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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