I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
they need to just BURY HIM!
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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