Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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