Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
