when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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