Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just want to make out with him forever
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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