Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
