I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
