It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
