I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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