your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
i want to swaddle you in tequila
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
