You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
