I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
