dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
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The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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