he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
