I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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