Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
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