someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
