We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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