I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
