the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize