I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
