I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
