We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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