The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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