So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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