I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
