Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
