Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
