clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
