i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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