i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
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There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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