I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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