I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Randomize
