you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
