my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
