Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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