Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
