So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
