you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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