I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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