my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
