The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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