I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I fill condoms, not promises.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
