so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
