Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
