Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
