At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
