I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
