he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
