I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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