Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
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