I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
